My key broke off while I was turning the key. I can't pull the broken key out. Not only am i locked outside, so is the rest of the building.
take 3 tylenol pm's and try playing basketball.
I feel like death. And death is wearing a fleece blanket as a dress. And is seriously contemplating wearing this to go get something to eat.
how convenient is it that the kid i'm fucking lives right next to planned parenthood?
med student doing my blood work at the AIDS clinic just hit on me after I told him i was having unprotected sex, but didn't think i had HIV.
I stopped understanding conversations unrelated to vodka two vodkas ago.
Just to save you guys the surprise, somebody shit outside of our door.
Where are you? This girl fell on a baby. She is just gone. Please Hurry
I'm hurrying
Dude. She just shit herself.
tell me there's a reason my bed smells like paint thinner
I may or may not have just hot boxed a backhoe on the construction site of a police station that's being rebuilt..
Brett got me a cake with a pic of me shitting
No matter how long you've been away, there's nothing quite like pooping at your parents' house
WHY DID I MAKE A 7 minute video of me eating crackers and cheese when I was high
Send it to me
My roommate wasn't home and I was too drunk and tired so I peed in the trash can. Twice.
because nothing says “let’s fucking rage” like getting a compensation letter and some company stock
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