dude chill. it wont be anything like your seventh grade birthday party.
So we were in the middle of hooking up when he stopped me. I thought he was having a moral dilemma about the whole having a girlfriend thing. But no. He got down on all fours, butt naked, and started throwing up and farting simultaneously. I took it as my cue to leave.
Real housewives of new joisy starts MONDAY. Skype session after? Virtual slap the bag?
A guy in a sombrero stopped to take a picture with me sitting on the curb.
Okay I woke up in my room, snuggie on, had a water bottle in my hand my tv was on Disney channel and my cigarettes are gone. And I deleted every text in my phone but one that said 'you are absolutely welcome'
Europeans suck. I just gave him head and somehow i am the one paying for the coffee
I vaguely remember stopping for a bag of bugles and some lube and then I woke up this morning with melted chocolate on my hands. I think I love him
I ate shit on a rock, and when I got up this car full of people asked me if I was okay, and I just sprinted away screaming "I am a banana!"
I can't ever date him again. Whenever I see his face I just remember helplessly pissing myself in my car.
When you put my balls in your mouth i just want to buy you expensive gifts...you know what i mean?
Apparently HR frowns upon current employees introducing themselves to the new employee as "Hi I'm sleeping with your cousin"
I went from looking for a bong to home decor in a 10 minute span. This is what being an adult is all about!
if you want to know how my night is going I just ugly cried in the cheesecake factory
I think it’s appropriate to celebrate the start of mother’s day at the bar with the men that almost made me a mother
My new roommate looks like a troll. Or a serial killer. So if I disappear, show this text to the cops.
Randomize
