I'm good, just tired from chardonnay and giving hand jobs.
And then she started grabbing onto random guys legs, asking their names, and if they wanted to be friends... Haha, I love when the girls my ex's are dating are total drunken whores.
In retrospect - making it rain salt all over our kitchen was not one of my best ideas.
yes, we have a friends with benefits thing. i found out he had never 69'd, done anal or had a threesome. i told him i was going to rock his world.
and what did he say?
there were no words. he looked like a kid on christmas morning.
im just sayin im driving an hr to pick her up, just cause shes your gf doesnt mean i shouldnt be entitled to a bj
Hey. Whatever time u wake up let me know Ur alive. I need my vegas partner... I don't think they let u take corpses on a plane.
I promise it'll work. Just go there and keep the lights off and keep saying blaowww. She'll think your me.
My dad just told me I can't passout in the driveway after the 4th of July parade this year, again
Maybe it's because I walked straight up to that shelf of vodka with a look of determination that said "I mean business".
I usually have to have a cart! If that doesn't say "I mean business" then I don't know what does
It's like everything I need in life within a five block radius: booze, toilets, dogs, dicks.
Woke up in a bathtub with both of my legs broken. How was your night?
I'm tripping pretty hard right now but every time a Volvo drives by I feel like everything is gonna be alright
When are your genitals available?
We were sexting and i didn't know what to say, so i said i wanted to wrap him in tortillas and devour him like a burrito. then i went on by saying that i liked my burritos with a lot of cheese.
From what I remember I had fun, until I threw up, and lost my shoes..
Randomize
