I'm just sayin u wanted to sleep after ur paper. I can make u sleep
Dude, this chick just tossed my salad hard. All that I could picture was a dog trying to get the last of the peanut butter out of the jar of Jiff and trying not to think of how grotesque my last dump was.
Then she tried to kiss me and I wouldn't and she got pissed off and went to sleep. Then about an hour later, her kid called her. She went home and on the way out I told her to wash her mouth before she kissed her kid good night. Weird night..
I'm praying to Jesus, Allah, Buddah,and the whole gang tonight that I'm not pregnant
i just turned the eviction notice into a beer pong list
i was concerned for your health after you took your "last shot" four times...
I saw you try to drink out of a soda machine at taco bell, don't worry about judging
he proceeded to grab my vagina through my leggings in the middle of the dance floor. strangely enough I was okay with it
i had a long naked conversation with the cop on why is everything fun illegal
I think they were making kool-aid in my bed. There is lots of sugar and my hands and face are stained blue.
My dad, when he got home and saw me loading a bowl in the living room: "We have TWO beautiful balconies to get high on and you pick the couch?!"
Oh thank Jesus fuck for my shitty infertile womb. Crisis averted
I am making dinner in lingerie and heels and there is a 75% chance his roommate is going to walk in on this.
Yup. There he is. This conversation is awkward.
Found a phone out last night at the bar. EPIC homemade porn vids on it!
I went to watch porn and there's already 3 Santa videos. Happy November 1st.
Had sex on the beach last night with a drug dealer. win-win-win situation
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