I looked at him all bewildered and he said, "what? I figured if it was under 30 seconds it'd be free."
There's an australian, my relationship has no hope.
Not a single person will look me in the eye. Last night must've been bad.
My building was evacuated who wants to quake and bake
Just caught my dad doing coke in my bathroom again. Guess whose getting a new car for christmasss.
Those titties aren't worth a lifetime of listening to her talk about gluten free yams and japanese manga.
Did you see the video of me eating a marshmellow on fire?
My biggest accomplishment thus far this summer is having sex 5 weeks after hip surgery.
idk but i can hear her singing "Call Me Maybe" really slowly and emotionally in the shower right now
I feel like he has a double life, why was he walking around at 3 am with a backpack?
just sex-dialed 911. that's 34 seconds of dignity i will never get back.
How am I supposed to buy weed and pancake mix when it's raining?
This morning we had sex while he was wearing a full length fur jacket and sunglasses... I wasn't even phased
Oh my fucking god!! There is a barefoot white guy with a fucking ninja sword in the middle of the street next to the pride gas station swinging his sword at peoples cars!! He almost got me. 3 people swerved off the road and stopped. I told a cop.
You can't hold me to anything I said last night; I was drunk on orgasms.
Randomize
