Cruel joke of nature. Hair on head runs from face, and hides on various parts of body. Aging sucks.
I want you to know that wearing office supplies as jewelry results in waking up with the wrong roommate. Also, strip clubs and vodka don't mix.
I had a pretty decent weekend -- aside from dropping the baby on her head. That.. That I feel bad about.
the problem with open bar is i never know what to get
did you really just start a sentence with "the problem with open bar is..."
Try and take me seriously and don't look directly at my hair or the jizz on my pants.
I'm microwaving a frozen bottle of Two Buck Chuck while watching The Proposal with my housemate. I'm not sure what success is like, but I'm fairly confident this isn't it.
I am on a roof. I'm not sure which one, or why, or how, but I am on a roof and you should come get me. I can see info classrooms!
Grandpa got a dui while riding a horse. This is what I need to live up to.
I just got back to our room ....neither of us spent the night there but both our beds are occupied. send help.
hi I'm Emily and I thoroughly enjoy getting minors hammered.. I'll start my AA intro just like that.
What's an appropriate engagement gift for the girl that's marrying your brother's Tuesday night hookup? Cause all I can think of is vodka and Kleenex.
his mom fetish really needs to stop. this is literally the 5th time i've come home from work and there's been some random skank and her kids in the living room.
did one of the kids use their poo like a crayon on the wall this time?
Did you come home, throw out a ton of shoes, then leave again?
That is exactly what I did.
I asked him if we could have sex sometime and he sent me a three page long text about his feelings for me. that's the only possible situation I've ever run into where a "k" response would have been more appropriate.
my penis made a compromise with my morals
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