there was a trapeze. enough said
i'd be lying to you if i said i didn't just bring up microsoft excel to make an alcohol budget
Just drove through Taco Johns wearing a drug rug and no pants. When I rolled down my window, the girl paused for a minute before saying "um... 4.07"
Dude..this is the third year in a row me and him have fucked at a super bowl party..does that count as a tradition?
you closed your eyes and pointed to a cupboard..there was vodka on the top shelf. your sixth sense is amazing. plus, we convinced the foreign kid you're a booze whisperer
Just sayin. I pissed on his couch, and ruined his stove. If he's not mad, we're partying there every weekend...
You get home ok?
Uh, you stopped by my house at 4 am and woke me up, so yeah.
You're such a good friend. You send me pictures of your boobs when I'm sad. I will always appreciate that.
Omg I literally just wanna sleep with you right now. Like actual sleep. Not sex. Well maybe. But sleep first
You can't talk like Dr. Evil to me five minutes after the greatest orgasm of my life.
Your ability to eat ass like its your job and yet turn down quinoa because it's "gross" is confusing.
Is it a bad thing for a seven year old to call one an alcoholic? Asking for a friend..
Is it a bad sign starting the new year off naked, wet, and alone?
Asking for a friend of course
Idk if my headache is from the alcohol, the pot brownies, or being dragged down 8 flights of stairs by my ankles because i passed out in the 12th floor girls bathroom by you. Probably a combo of all three.
So, I just ordered a breathalyzer for this weekend. I figured if I'm getting shitfaced, I should at least be scientific about it.
Randomize
