my math teacher staples burger king applications to failed tests
Her boobs were tiny. I could have used her bra as a blind fold. Which in hindsight would have made things a lot better.
did that guy on the oscars really just tell me to text a dolphin?
i remember introducing him to all my posters and making him be extra nice to frank sinatra and bob dylan before he fucked me
He was spoon feeding me wine all night.
we didn't have anything to do and wanted to get our money's worth out of our costumes, so if you see two mermaids day drinking by the creek it's us
yep you were here saturday. if you woke up smelling like vanilla i can explain.
I had to explain the gravity bong to my mom. Right after she pointed out I have a lot of dicks on my floor at any given moment.
Just watched a guy ride a bike off his roof into his pool. On my way to the liquor store, picking you up in 20
There was a time I was reining queen of Sunday funday... And at that same time I also weighed 20 pounds more, had the morale of a spearmint rhino stripper, and woke up most mornings asking more questions than fucking Barbara Walters. I think I just wrote my own epitaph.
At this point I think you're just judging my taste in men
Where are you on a scale from one to wasted?
Like alphabetically I'd say a v
I woke up naked with my work shoes on
I just need to find someone whose kink is financial submission.
he literally walked in took a shit and left ringing the 'great service' bell on the way out.
Randomize
