Oh shit, I think we need to get you a hobby that doesn't include penises
Seeing Harry Potter 3D stoned: Pro- giant redheads w/cute accents. Con-weeping for stoners who only had Pink Floyd laser shows.
Having a pigeon watch you poop is just creepy. Drunk or not.
say 'i' if you broke up a fight involving your father at TD bank today....
The guy who bit me so hard two nights ago that I had to put Neosporin on my nipple and the guy in my bed right now are two different people. Help
Ok so you know that's gonna be legally viewed as kidnapping, right?
I'm about to ride on a tractor i have no time for you
Look,the guy had sex w/a Canadian prison guard on the deck of a cruise ship,he could blow any second.
SOME BITCH AT THE HOSTEL STOLE MY NUT BUTTER THERE WILL BE BLOOD
One of my interns found me on Grindr. I'm really gonna make him earn the absurd amount of money I pay him.
then he told me my boobs feel like "if you put mushroom soup in a baggie." I don't know how I'm supposed to feel about this.
in a meeting in my bathtub while predrinkin for tonight. technology.
Puke-y regrets or just things-seem-far-away regrets?
My ovaries melted while we were talking. I almost told him I would suck his soul out through his dick
That would be a memorable parent teacher conference for sure
Is there a number of dicks a girl can have in a weekend before it becomes unacceptable? Asking for a friend
Remember! It’sa long weekend and a holiday weekend and it’s America’s birthday! So don’t short change me!
I thought you were asking for a friend
Randomize
