im watching my roommate bang this girl. she doesn't look like she's any good, because he has a bored look on his face...
I am looking at the epitome of fake boobs right now
best part, i was ridiculous and none of them were judging me bc they didn't want my vagina. it was like i was a pretty painting
New drinking game watching teenage mutant ninja turtles movie and drinking every time raphael says damn, someone says april or ms oneil, and shredder appears And every time we see a mustache
he walked in on you at the party drunkenly dancing alone on the bed wearing mardi gras beads, sunglasses, and using one ski pole as a microphone.... and you STILL got laid. i dont get your life.
I'm still amazed at how you managed to puke in every plant on the whole top floor at the mall without a single person noticing and without missing a step.
You walked in with a firecracker and a doughnut then demonstrated what a lazy job he did fucking you
shes laying on the floor in a bowl of salsa with her pants half off and she's crying... i dont know what to do...
Did I mention I should never take 5 Xanax and drink?
I sort of figured that out when I found you sitting on the roof of your house saying we could get in through the skylight while I called the locksmith.
I hooked up with Spider-Man on the hood of Santas car. I kept saying that he could shoot his web at me. Also I found Waldo. Overall good night.
I can't believe I forgot to wish you a happy 13 week-iversary of the time you raw-dogged a rando. Only two days late, so it still counts. And since your 14 weeks is coming up, you should know that at 14 weeks your baby can squint, frown, grimace, pee, and possibly suck his/her/their/zir thumb!
I don't want his dick, I want his flame thrower!!
Bank just called....we left my debit card in the ATM last night.
I'm extremely upset that I wasted my "having sex with a guy at work" card on him
My New Year's resolution consists of less weekday hangovers, more sex, and more money.
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