so then you didnt wanna fuck tonight right?
oops, you werent supposed to get that until you left.
I literally have been drunk for three days entirely by myself, the world cup may kill me
now you know why we've never bought a 12 pack of king cobras before.
Also, the wait staff kept prematurely clearing my Manhattans. Not sure if it was an oversight or a hint.
There was a lot going on. It was easy to miss a 70 foot tall puppet.
They're pole dancing on a handicap sign post.
You know Im horny if Im walking around in my lingerie and sex robe. It's my field of dreams mentality. If I wear it, he will come.
Listen to my proposal.... I feed you crackers while I fuck you ever so gently.
??I have an official piece of documentation saying you are banned from Las Vegas.
i ended up playing naked naked monopoly and hangman with my dealer. i really love my life.
This weekend i learned three things 1) skittles in vodka is good 2) it takes more than a roll of quarters to get a cab home 3) never tell a bartender to give you your change in actual change
She thinks you guys are the gods of the bathroom. If she runs past you naked, give me a heads up
We were drunk waiting for tacos and I gave him a handy in the back of the Uber while giving the driver relationship advice. I think I'm handling the whole grad school thing alright.
I promised her I would shit on your driveway. There's nothing that you or I can do about it now.
Im 76 percent sure I took a fully clothed shower last night.
Randomize
