I'm at a Mexican Walmart. Wish you were here.
So, I'm about to rent a movie, order pizza, and use my vibrator.... Am I dating myself?
Fun fact: when I ripped off my wristband, I punched myself in the face. Rad
Yah, I definitely wouldn't wanna be fingered with a fake arm...
Manscaping on you would be like trying to clean up the oil spill with a dixie cup.
I dove into a random van at the bar as the door was closing and ended up at some house with people I've never met in my life dancing in a basement
We just started the day with vitamin bombs. Daily vitamin + whatever's left in your glass from last night = feel like a champion
I just can't deal with that sentence
I thought it was a myth but I have just reached the age of sitting on my balls. Not a fan.
Promise me you won't have sex in my room
I can't promise you that, but I promise you that I'll try
Might want to in your tub tho. That thing is fucking huge.
The guy who was The Count on Sesame Street died this week too. Therefore, you should take multiple shots, count them, & go "ahh aaahh aaaahhh" after each one. I expect video...
Why are there jello shots in the kitchen drawer?
I didn't know. I guess I really haven't had that much time for drinking lately. I mean, outside drinking at home/work.
I got with a bridesmaid and a server as well as put an $80 tab in rum and coke under the name Emerson Iglesias. Are you sure it wasn't my wedding?
He stumbled out of their hotel room and yelled, "I'M ON A STATEWIDE TOUR. I'VE BEEN IN KENTUCKY AND OKLAHOMA."
I got the shit slapped outta me last night but the pain in my jaw doesn’t even compare to the hangover I have.
Randomize
