his dad told me thanks for making his little boy a man at breakfast this morning
woke up with ski boots on and a kayak in my room... birthday successful? i'd say so
I don't have any food so I made a martini so I could eat the olives. Don't tell me I can't think outside the box.
I just want to let you know it was a unanimous decision that we would eat you first if we ever turned into cannibals, we figured with all the bacon you eat you may taste like it. It's a chance we are willing to take with your life...don't forget that we love you
If people don't want my drunken phone call then TAKE YOUR FUCKING NUMER OFF OF FACEBOOK, like it's just that easy...
Watching the tv in the reflection of my phone cause I'm too hungover to roll over.... Yes it is 4 PM...
We were dancing and she was clawing my stomach like a fat kid getting to a half broken pinata.
the tv said "its small, its comfortable..." and i started laughing... safe to say he lost any dignity he had left...
I am making pancakes and watching Spongebob Squarepants. My life is a waste of youth.
next time im at a party and go to fist bump the dude who took my virginity two years ago PLEASE STOP ME
And noooow we're smoking a ton of REALLY strong weed and THIS IS THE SOFTEST CAT EVER
My day went from bad to worse when I realized I puked out my second floor window last night.
I FOUND THE LEGS
You can’t homewreck what the Lord hath brought together.
Sorry I missed your call. I was in the shower washing away my sins and sweat. Please tell me you want to get drunk as shit later.
Randomize
