I decided that not getting a job after college is gods way of telling me I will make a great housewife
Grape juice and vodka is NOT wine.
You spent about half an hour trying to convince me that mesh condoms were a good idea.
his grandma walked in on us. twice. and he was truly fucking surprised when i put my pants back on.
Just woke up with a blunt in each nostril and a lighter duct taped to my chest...good lookin out
Why can't it ever be the normal ones that stalk me?
I woke up in a sink... Not like curled up on top of it though. I was standing, bent over, face first. IN THE DAMN SINK.
I told him that he was essentially a very life-like dildo with a person attached so he needed to stop having feelings because it was getting annoying. He agreed.
My bed is full of blood and feathers
It was his first time doing shrooms and we made him ride in the truck bed. But he kept standing up and yelling when we stopped so we had to keep driving
We hit a deer while we were singing an acapella version of "I will always love you"
You go to bars with sophisticated older men, I steal lawn ornaments. Priorities
Walked in the bathroom at work and my boss was taking a shit with the stall wide open and responded "oh yeah, I forgot you never have been to prison "
You're a disaster
Wanna date?
I'm sorry I missed your birthday brunch. If it makes you feel any better I woke up wearing someone else's toga and a sombrero
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