well I can't set my house on fire every night
Yes. Hungover. All the boys are going wakeboarding. Boys only. I wish I was a gay guy so I could go wakeboarding but still suck dick.
Why was I handcuffed to the roof?
It was easier then trying to explain why you couldn't fly
thanks for waiting 12 hours to ask if I was in a ditch or not
i'm half naked talking to a cat. you don't have to justify your life to me.
I have fruit by the foot roll-ups. I wonder if a man could tie them together and make an editable bra....
I can't drink with the moms anymore. All they talk about is lactating.
Want to get high and go thrifting? I'm trying to succeed making my dorm look like a deranged Applebees.
You came home with a traffic cone and said, "this is my birthday condom."
Just turned down sex because it's a holy day of obligation, my mom would be proud.
You brought string cheese to the strip club
So my class is approximately two vomits from the bus stop. Happy first day of class
Sometimes you just gotta get high and go to a planetarium. Why can't he understand that?
I am at 99 matches in less than 24 hours, I need a tinder rehab program
I got blackout last night and applied to be a banker
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