Come get meeee. I'm stranded in the middle of no where with Paul (?). I think u puked on his friend.
There is a reason Crest White Strips don't list masturbation as one of the myriad of activities to do while whitening your teeth. A very good reason.
Must be January. Theres a fat chick on an elliptical wearing khaki capris. Someone doesnt own any workout clothes
I havent jerked off in so long, my dick literally prevented me from rolling over in my sleep this morning. new definition of painful?
Eating doritas dunked in queso con salas. Salllas. Salska. Salsa. Got it. Shhiitt. Salsa con queso. That's better. I'm hot pink socks.
she said 'i love fried rice', threw a condom at me and passed out naked.
Are they engaged or just dating? Girlfriends come and go but the memory of sex at the pool last forever.
You have dresses for different occasions. I need different men's dicks too. It's logic.
Overslept. So hungover. Apparently texting the first person in my contact list the time I would like to wake up is not how the alarm clock in my phone actually works.
I need to puke. I need a shower. I need rehab. I need to detox and puke. I feel like demons are inside of me.
She got called into work early but she left me a note that had directions to her roommates stash of weed on top of a two bacon and egg mcmuffins. I think I win.
So, I never imagined myself puking on the side of the road at 10:30 this morning to Lynyrd Skynyrd but here I am.
My mom found your leather pants in our guest room. She doesn't want to know why they are there, she just wants to know if you want them washed.
I have four things I would like to do over summer too... Problem is they're all roommates
Just woke up next to a hungry lesbian and a half eaten croissant on my stomach. Can you come get me?
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