So, I woke up to an empty bottle of scotch and a dead car. The last thing I remember are the strippers being mad at me. Awesome night.
Feels good to be wearing underwear again though...
Haha she couldn't find her dress in the morning. So she left it. How do the hell do I discreetly return that to her at work. More importantly, how did she discreetly do the walk of shame??
I keep trying to sit and the chair keeps running away from me
i just saw a guiness commercial where the guiness was on the verge of spilling the whole time. i was on the edge of my seat scared shitless. im an alcoholic.
if i die of alcohol poisoning tonight, just know i kinda expected it and totally deserved it
Wow... that's disturbing man, and their not even my balls
Doing shrooms is fine until you get raped by curtains
I'm never waking up next to someone after sex again. It's alllll downhill from there.
From now on when a guy sends me a dick picture I'm going to send them a picture of some other dudes dick.
When was the last time you made a good decision when you could've made a shitty one
I had a salad today
Screwed a girl without a condom but hey at least you got your veggies
Did I tell you I bit someone's arm for you last night
The last thing I searched on my phone was "leave in conditioner on cats." This is where my life is.
She ordered an O'douls. That was the end of that date
You need to stop telling people you gained weight over the holidays. You've been fat since July.
One of my favorite March activities is cropdusting people while wearing a kilt.
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