I'm at the doctor and the male nurse (haha) asked me if I smoked, drank or did drugs, and when he said 'drugs' he looked me right in the eye and did a perfect wrist rocket.
Katie Perry lied, you can't just wake up and shake the glitter off your clothes.
he texted me at 1 in the morning to ask if i wanted to come over and play in the snow with him
at least he gets points for a creative booty call
Can we fast forward to the part where we get gyros
Don't forget your talking to the guy who got arrested for throwing beads back at the Mardi Gras floats. You can't deny that's a first, and neither could that cop.
I'm posted up in the bathroom at au bon pain, high as balls, experimenting with eyeshadow combinations and listening to 90s jlo. The girl in the stall next to me just plopped a big one and I laughed, hope I ruined her day
I'm at the perfect height to walk up to the corner of my mom's stove and rest my balls on it. Just thought you'd like to know they're warm.
I don't drink so I see St. Patty's as an LSD type of day. Its like a more hardcore 420
watched two friends get underages. one had a shirt on that said lets get wasted while the other said to the cop "i understand your just trying to do your job but that was dirty bro".
as i sobered up i realized that her cute accent was actually a speech impediment
I'm gonna get drunk in the shower and yell at my parents during dinner. Have fun in Texas.
I caught a glimpse of his penis. I can only imagine what your mom's vagina goes through because of that penis
you hit your head on the sneeze guard and passed out at Pizza Hut they called the police
We will just distract him with tacos and porn.
And then I was like pick your blow job song and he choose the sonic the hedgehog theme song. If he's not the one no one is.
Randomize
