i think i just puked on my phone
we live great lives
I just saw Sharon Stone's cootch in high def. I think I'll stay gay.
He woke up screaming about pickles. I think it's gonna be a good day.
...oh my god that's like anal suicide
I'm aware. I'm writing the eulogy for my colon as we speak.
You'd be proud! I didn't lose my id this time... It got confiscated
I swear to god little potato creatures live inside Belvedere bottles and claw at your throat as you swallow shots.
You came into my room and started rubbing a banana on your face.
Since Josh is going to be Carl Sagan for Halloween, he bought a turtleneck and sportsman jacket. It's all my nerd fantasies come true.
My gynecologist just said "don't worry, this won't be as hard as…well…" A FUCKING SEX JOKE NO
So I definitely tried to pay a cab with baseball tickets last night
apparently I like to do this thing where I wear pretty dresses and then pee on things on public. Picture proof. Four times last week.
Fuck it, I work hard. I deserve nice sex toys
you asked how they got the microwave in the air. we had to explain three times that it was mounted there until you finally feel asleep
Plus my parents would be pissed if I spent Thanksgiving in jail... again.
My shower turned into a bath, turned into me lying on the shower floor with the water running over me... That hung over..
Randomize
