he was like Britney Spears in bed.. a little chubby and too medicated to perform.
She told you broke her computer after the little square in tetris wouldn't rotate for you...
whats the proper etiquette for returning a closet door to a random girl you met and do not know her name?
Just woke up with my keys in one hand and cheesecake in the other.
I was so stoned on the way to work, I pretended you were in the car with me. We sang "Mrs. Jackson" by outkast.
I ran into the bouncer who kicked me out of that beach bar a few months ago. I told him I'd only been thrown out of two other places since then. He was proud.
Just to be a PITA after I die, my will leaves 1 cent to each of my FB friends. I hate my lawyer.
There's like a dolphin trainer convention here or something. I will parlay this trip to Vegas into riding Shamu if its the last thing I do.
well I didn't shave for the hot dilf I banged last week so I'm sure as hell not shaving for you. Sry
is buying liquor on my lunch break too aggressive?
I know it's wrong but I'm human. Now get over here, tie me up, feed me pizza and Fuck the crazy out of me. Please.
why do i have a pole dance champion shot glass?
He totally fucked me in his Chewbacca socks
Dude what happened last night?
I don't know, I'm still trying to figure out how I got my clothes back on.
I got some blow and a hand job from one of the strippers. So I guess I'm getting over the divorce.
Randomize
