Man THE POSTAL SERVICE is awesome when I'm high..... But they suck when I'm sober.
i was drunk and our names rhymed...what was i supposed to do?
Just found a picture of me licking the bouncers ear last night
Its like the two hemispheres of my brain are in a death match but are two evenly matched for either side to win kinda drunk.
You asked her to play "the coma game" with you while hooking up, and then passed out in her bed. She couldn't wake you up so she slept on the floor.
Looks like I won that one
He said he wanted to "superfuck" me
Does he wear a cape??
"Little drunk?" Honey you were "livetweeting" Sublime's "Sublime" album while it was playing in his car, and at one point you said you hoped they play Santeria. "Little drunk" doesn't cover it.
I got you a "sorry you think I'm pregnant" present
We should just do therapy together, clearly we have all the same issues. It's why we are friends.
So I spent all night thinking my bed was floating down a river and telling the cats to get on the bed because they were going to float away. Percocet is strong shit.
22 is way too old to still be having "thank god I think I'm getting my period" days
Well I just found a coupon for cheese in the bathroom so I've got that going for me
I'm doing an Uber ride of shame in a red, white and blue bikini top and America shorts. Good for me.
STOP HOOKING UP WITH SOCCER MOMS! YOU ARE RUINING MY REPUTATION!
Bootycalls can't go limp that's like against the law
Randomize
