her name is jenna, so i wanna cunt punt her
that's how i am about ashleys and britneys
i found a dude playing guitar on the portapotty
I've officially put my junk in foods from 5 of the 6 layers of the nutrition pyramid
after he fucked me and not his girlfriend, i told him to be a gentleman and close his eyes as i ran to the bathroom naked. so sweet.
your definition of "gentleman" is so absurd.
We lit firecrackers from NYE in the fireplace and he was so passed out that he slept through it.
Sorry I fell asleep again. I'm in the shower now. Door is unlocked. Condoms are in my desk. I want your game face on for when I get out.
I already have one guy that I have regrettable sex with. I don't need another.
she woke me up with a blowjob, mickey mouse pancakes, a mugshot of my ex in county jail, and tequilla. Do you know if she fucked someone behind my back or did i win the vagina lottery?
hey give me heads up if you're feeling vulnerable tomorrow night
I say I'm working from home on conference call days, but really I just mute the phone, put that shit on speaker so I can hear what's going on, and let Marcus fuck my brains out.
New drinking game, drink every time Rhianna says "Work" in her new song.
All she said to me before going to get another shot was "Damn, I'd eat her out."
I just met a drunk old lady with a bedazzled life alert alarm around her neck. I love casinos
Hey. You dropped and smashed your road beer in my store last night. Again. And this time you didn't even order anything. You just walked in, yelled "SWEDISH STYLE!" Then lost your beer, looked depressed, and left.
You know you're out of shape when you're sore after masturbating.
Randomize
