her dad's the mattress king, she's genetically engineered to be good in bed
do you have any idea why i woke up naked spooning my toaster?
Well, if they're both my boyfriend.. Then i cheated on both of them.
her idea of "friends with benefits" is her doing my laundry. i'm cool with it.
He sent a pic, I sent one back. Then nothing. It's like we sext-messaged goodbye and ended the relationship.
Just got a message on OkCupid from a 20-year-old who has "Momma's Boy" tattoed across his chest and thinks the earth is bigger than the sun.
You got called a pussy at a party with a slow cooker, you can't let that shit slide
The sex was so bad. I kept sending people snapchats of my face during it.
I just want a teacup pet pig so I can take him to parties with me and never have to walk home alone again.
I've counted 3,503 loops of fabric on my carpet so far. FUCK YOU ACID!!!
You were fine, but your knee injury definitely came from interpretive dancing like a gay fairy with lead wings all around the Mission St BART. Everyone thought you were on drugs.
I achieved maximum drunk last night. It was pretty extreme. Woke up on a couch, outside, in a suit
I need to get off of her emotional roller coaster. I've been on it for a fucking year and I've been throwing up the entire time.
No like I actually peed on the treadmill. As it was running
Slept in and having coffee. No sounds of whipping and no veiny dildos next to me. This is good. How's your mornin?
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