I solve my problems like an adult, at the strip club drinking on a work night.
I just Organized my jello shots by their colors in my mini fridge for the rest of the week. I'm going places in life.
Any time before 12:00pm. Can go fuck itself.
I like how my family gatherings are basically an ugly sweater party just with better beer and wine...
The bender is in full force. After 2 bloody mary's at breakfast we are now drinking vodka redbull "as a precaution" so we will stay awake for the club tonight.
I was so high that i was talking shit about a girl I was with via text, and I handed the phone to her so she could type the shit I was trying to say.
All I know is I had a penis in one hand a bottle of wine in the other
i really care about you, respect you, another gay word, and another gay word... lets just drink
How did you get a free t-shirt at the strip club?
I was attacked by whores
You threw up on yourself again didn't you?
They were strong whores
So yeah, don't be alarmed when you come home after work to find me eating cookie dough out of a margarita glass with a knife and watching The Little Mermaid. It's been one of those days.
This is your morning-after text courtesy of your very confused friend!! :) To discuss "what the hell were you trying to tell me last night," press 1. To laugh over your drunken antics, press 2. To pretend like none of it even happened (or to respond with concurrent confusion because you have no idea), press 3.
Some small part of me hopes I'm on the probationary list because of seeing the Dean at that fetish party.
Me saying I wish i was a better person + me pretending I don't want to fuck on my period = me lying
Please explain the hospital band on my wrist.
He made me ask permission to to cum and it made me cum.
Randomize
