Cut to me doing the walk of shame to work from a hotel.
oh. my. god. the guy i hooked up with last night is currently wearing a dress.
I'm a big fan of 2 things right now: 1) Gatorade and 2) the fetal position
I know it was you because you're the only person I know who gets drunk and craves soup.
Soup is delicious
All I can remember is posting my chicken burger in the post box. Postman is in for a treat.
It was about the point the universe collapsed in on itself and I was a singularity of insanity that I realized I was tripping balls.
There's a bag in my room with garbage, a thong, fritos, and an electrical cord. I'm assuming it's yours
........yyyyyyeah that's me
You gotta pick a side. My suggestion: side with tits.
I said to him "i can't have sex with anyone in my friend's living room" then he said "we can move the air mattress into the kitchen"
Don't they also have a lot of serious head injuries?
I didn't say I wanted to marry one of them. Or that I want one to perform surgery on me. I just want to have hot, dirty, MMA style sex.
When he wakes up tomorrow with half shaved legs smelling like a preteens bathroom, I'm sure he will think he has had a great evening
I'm about to take my 7th shot and I have to to go to dinner with my grandma in an half hour. What is my life.
I have a black eye again and dont know why again
Asking for a friend: is it frowned upon to eat pizza while you materbate or does it just mean you are fantastic at multitasking?
TELL HER ABOUT THE GODDAMNED MOTHERFUCKING POTATOES
Randomize
