Maybe i should go to church more so i can meet girls like in that song, you know, the ones that act slutty on every day but sunday...
ah, so the catholic church. i gotcha
i would really appreciate it if you would stop texting my girlfriend.
i would really appreciate it if you would stop cock blocking me.
That weatherman I hooked up with is on TV again
bikini waxes are so much more painful when you know you're not getting laid
oh my god, there is an imprint from the nuva ring in the christmas card my mom sent me. merry christmas.
your dad made us margaritas and breakfast on the morning. I think it's safe to say he relives his glory days through us
shes 19, drunk and said she has no gag reflex. im trying to decide if i have scruples
you dont
i dont
Which is worse rug burn on your nipples or laying there after wondering how long you have to cuddle before you can sneak away?
Date idea: we should go to the store and buy all the different kinds of Lay's and eat them all
I need to keep a secret stash of instant alcoholic margaritas for when i deal with people. For example, right now, im grading, and I just don't fucking care any more. My students should make a thank you card for Jose Cuervo.
Dude, don't put me in a suit and feed me liquor; I'll never go home.
mcfuck me up
MCFUCK ME UP INSIDE
It was like sex on an active volcano surrounded by the night sky and bloodhounds. And by that I mean it was nice.
My eye was non-stop itchy for like an hour... I thought burying my face in your ass caught up with me
I peed in my closet, which at the time looked like a sparkly bathroom...
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