I can't tonight. I'm still nursing a beach sex injury. Don't wanna talk about it.
Are you okay?
Don't worry. Self-respect preserved. My speech was Grey's quality... I made him cry.
Just bored and untired. I want to be in Austin. At college. Drinking someone elses alcohol. Am I asking too much of life?
talking dirty on facebook chat is the new phone sex.
no i did not stop my best friend from eating out my sister...bros before hoes
He just yelled in the bar, "So I stuck it in two girls butts, why are you bringing that up now?"
Yea there's blood all over the porch but we wont have to buy alcohol for the rest of the week
Note to self: Don't go home with a recent divorcee. Semen and tears.
I walking on her passed out on her bed, clutching a burrito and the walking dead dvd on replay.
she just called me the flavor packet to her ramen noodles. get me the fuck out of here.
You have no idea how pumped I am. I literally plan on dying. You're in my will
IM GOING TO SIT ON YOUR FACE AND CHANT 'I BELIEVE THAT WE WILL WIN'
I don't know. I wanna do you but I also want a cheeseburger.
Wow. I want to climb Santa. You've made my mind go places I wasn't prepared to explore.
If I hear that song one more time I will drive to hell and make John Lennon eat my ass.
Randomize
