Can I come over?
Can't... I'm at class right now.
No your not
I'm outside by your car.
I swear to god Optimus Prime and Megatron are fighting in my head right now.
If I die today, promise to let the world know I partied.... oh god did I party
If he comes back to you and I'm left alone in lonelytown I'm totally going to poo on your car.
I am midnight drunk by noon
she is the kim kardashian of front butts
for future reference: anal bleach BEFORE boozing
Chasing shots with sriracha-covered mini toast was, in retrospect, not the best idea.
I came in and she was laying on the ground just stoking it saying "the floor is where our feet step"
And the night ended with some random dude pissing on a car in a vain attempt to find a proper bathroom. We, the drunk, salute you, sir!
Besides he said his dick was as big as a loaf of bread and that it was broken. So I was like u have half a head of hair and a broken dick that looks like bread. No thanks. Im good.
So I almost just died there. And we need a new garage door.
I was walking out the front door and heard his roomate say "It looks like you need a chiropractor." I think my work here is done.
I'm saying "I told you so" now so that I don't slow down to say it on the way to grab the fire extinguisher
I just thought I should tell you that I always know what you are doing. Everywhere. Every time. -Your loving Mother
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