I'm sitting at the gyno watching cnn in the waiting room
Everyone is walking funny when they come out, ugh I'm not looking forward to this
I was drunk at peters. now im drunk at my apartment. and hungry. but mcdonalds is broken. wtf
I just witnessed Grandma making her infamous daiquiris. Extraordinary.
Can we ask the Hungry Howie's guy to pick up some blunt wraps on the way over?
We found a stripper pole in your closet. It seemed like a good idea. Alex will fix the hole in your wall. Sorry.
bong water from a few floors above me just splashed onto my face when i was looking out the window. Happy 4/21 to me
He told me to put on my big boy pants, then take them off and fuck her before he smacks me with a chair. His pep talks suck.
Dude he did say "let's go cougar hunting" and you KNEW your mom was going out last night...so it's kind of your own fault for not coming
Wait.....I ate a raw potato lastnight.
Make sure you plan your visit for October. That's ACL festival, it's like every Bro in the country converges on Austin. My vagina wants to go hunting.
I woke up this morning with my hand on his dick. That sneaky bastard.
whatever. i don't need to be drunk to tell you i'd suck your dick if you had one.
Like I didn't gracefully walk into these feelings. No, I fucking stumbled and fell face fucking first.
I almost rear ended this hot guy driving a Porsche Cayenne just so I could get his phone number
The Easter sex puns were too abundant
Randomize
