Just be blunt and say drink from my dick
So i literally just wrote sorry on my quiz and turned it in.
Do you remember anything yesterday that led to needing a cup of couscous in my closet?
If anyone from work finds out about us I will rip your dick off, sew it to your forehead and feed your balls to you like little grapes
The cop was more concerned with the syringes on the dash board than looking for the source of the smoke. Thank god for diabetes!
She made out with the kickboxers bf. She was just asking to get kicked in the head. In the middle of the bar.
My life is over. I farted in open court. Noticeably. The judge looked at me. It echoed.
I hate him. I fucked every one of his friends AND his fat brother and he still won't break up with me.
We lost power at midnight which freaked out my roomate and friends. The power came back on 30 minutes later. We are now at the bar having "the rapture came and we were left behind" shots
Don't they also have a lot of serious head injuries?
I didn't say I wanted to marry one of them. Or that I want one to perform surgery on me. I just want to have hot, dirty, MMA style sex.
He thought I was gay. I had to explain I just really like wearing flannel.
If my life today were a movie the subtitle would be: Revenge of the Beer Shits
I just wanted to personally thank you for throwing clementine slivers at me across the room while we made out
Quick question, did I crash teeth with you when I snogged you, or did I headbutt something between the car and the bed last night?
i haven't seen you in two years and we have like 16 hours, all i want is cuddles, wine, and some light groping
Randomize
