Just found a dugout in my rental car glove box. Suddenly my mood is upbeat.
Having a dry hump session to Alvin and the chipmunks surprisingly didn't kill the mood. He's that good.
Last night: Repeatedly yelled about how the fishbowl tasted like blue, stole a stranger's hat, hugged the DJ for playing my request, made out with my roommate, and abandoned the guy I dragged to the club in the first place
This morning: Hat doesn't fit, hangover headache is blue, and I can't move without getting lightheaded
Listen when they tell you not to drink after giving blood
mind if i send you a dick pic? so you can see what she wasn't doing right?
Fire alarms went off at reception of gay wedding im at. We all had to evacuate until FD got here. Then...ill just text the photos.
Someone had written "Boxmonsterette" on the bathroom wall and I just knew you'd been here.
He asked me if my princess crown was real and before I could say yes, he was already reaching to put it on. I'm pretending I'm asleep if he tries to have sex.
Lesson learnt. Sex toy cleaning spray is not an acceptable substitute to clean your glasses with.
Finally had sex in the new kitchen. Burnt the hamburgers and hit myself in the face with the freezer door. Worth it.
Like my new perfume? It's a combination of Fireball, sex and bad decisions.
If you had amazing eyebrows i'd have sex with them.
we were having a conversation about big dicks and the chick at the table beside us turned to us said "me and my boyfriend just broke up a few days ago. Could you please NOT talk about big dicks"
Never in my life have I been so excited to nap as I am right now.
Just found out that the guy I lost my virginity to voted for Gary Johnson. It's almost more upsetting then him ending up being a massive asshole.
But then our conversations are like black box recordings. Just the stuff you hear when the plane is going down
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