Microwaved placenta is very unpleasant.
once my pubes got caught on her snaggletooth it was all downhill from there
hey. so did i get tied up by a jumprope last night?
I have 20 seconds to get my life together and look presentable.
First day of class and I'm in a bar drinking pitcher #3. Foreshadowing?
i just remembered that i did the "single ladies" dance ON THE BAR...fuck you slippery nipples i curse the day i discovered you
Be ready for a dog pile. On your head. With my ass.
I call BS on that! THAT WAS TOTALLY AN INTERCEPTION. JENNINGS HAD THAT.
PEOPLE ARE FLIPPING FURNITURE HERE. IN THE ROOM ABOVE ME. I HEARD SOMEONE WOOKIE CALL IN ANGER FROM SOMEWHERE IN THIS BUILDING.
I'd be lying if I said I wasn't scared, even a little.
Yeah, but he has adorable dimples and dimples talk me into things.
You fell in the corner and refused to get up unless someone helped you. And then you crawled under the pool table and took a nap.
I TAUGHT HER CAT TO SIT. CATS DON'T FUCKING SIT ON COMMAND. BUT THIS ONE DID!
It's basically my crowning achievement.
Foreign objects found in purse this morning include: chocolate covered pretzels, pepper spray, and farm animal shaped key chains (you know the ones you squeeze and fake poop comes out, yea those)
I'll pick u up. I have to buy a new sofa cover anyway. I swear I've never seem a girl cum like that before.
thanks for not wanting to stay all night or talk or anything, nice to have a fuck buddy who really doesnt take the buddy part serious
I'm all about the fuck
After this weekend, all I can think about is bald eagles flying in front of fireworks and giving birth to fucking uncle sam. Also, beer.
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