The girls stopped by my apartment. They caught me naked with a nearly empty bottle of vodka in one hand, drawing crop circles in the carpet with the vacuum.
last night I thought his shirt said yale... but this morning it definitely says old navy.
mondays should just be called national damage control day
Just call Katie. She's like the drunk whisperer; she can get them to do anything.
And before you knew it they were calling me the pussy usher or something like that
if drunk means calling me and asking to borrow the game of life at 2am then I think you were drunk
I mean I want to be happy but it's a train wreck that you can't look away from
see that vagina ? that vagina means business
she is like a cock bee. instead of going from flower to flower she goes from cock to cock
There may or may not be an ass shaped dent in the hood of my car. All I know is windshield wipers aren't as sturdy as you think to hold onto.
Hey, taking organic chemistry means no one is allowed to tell you you're partying too hard.
I just want to be like "i dont know you but ive seen your penis & i like it"
Dont worry, the Canadians are more afraid of you then you are of them.
How do I say “I have great tits” without it sounding awful
hot take: drunk me can walk through walls?
Randomize
