She's perfect. Funny, gorgeous, 3 tats, been through a lot, bright. I'm in love.
I accidentally burped into my bong.
My husband just tried to seduce me by saying we can do it doggystyle so you can watch tv
Just found out what was wrong with Esther. Turns out she's 33 and still not married. This explains everything.
Shark Week may as well be Shark Weed.
Found a pint glass in my snow pants.
I came home to my brother stoned out of his mind. He got a high score on COD and asked me to have a celebration yogurt with him.
I just woke up and my mouth tastes like I licked the bathroom floor in the last ghetto bar we were in. I'm going to get my mouth checked for chlamydia. Do I see a dentist for that?
I have a callous on the palm of my hand just below my ring finger that is entirely from opening so many beer bottles. I'm strangely proud right now.
Actually some of the best sex I've had involved a lot of laughing.
How small IS your cock?
We have a lot of substance abuse to do tomorrow its sleep time
Smoking a bowl in nothing but a flamingo thong.
I am 5' 11" of pure, uncut Fuck Off right now.
Remember how I made that resolution to remain celibate for 6 months? Well, I just broke that
You literally made that 4 hours ago...
She just. Cock slapped me. With string cheese.
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