Gonna get hammered and start online dating men in prison. But... only the ones who get out within two years.
Girl's gotta have her standards.
My mom is giving me a "don't tape yourself during sex" talk. It's going to be a long car ride.
I was so drunk i thought Kathy Griffin was funny
vodka and carrot juice, if im gonna drink i at least got my 8 servings of vegetable
I ate all his french fries. He was no longer useful to me.
This morning confirmed it...there's no maybe about it. She definitely wasn't born with it. It was definitely the Maybelline.
Of all the things I've masturbated to while high, my favorites are ritz chips and trees
So the tow truck driver didn't charge us because Ian convinced him that he was sent out by God to share his cocaine with us.
You're his holy grail. The moment he finally gets you to orgasm he'll probably just retire and become a monk.
I'm gonna adopt her diet plan of secretly sleeping w a desperate ex... It combines excersise & loss of appetite due to guilt
good news, i've got tacos. bad news, kevin's in the ER. more good news, the tacos were free.
That was fun and all, but let's never have sex on a ladder ever again.
After we finish having sex, he smokes an honest to God pipe. It's like fucking a big, sexy Sherlock Holmes...
DID YOU OR DID YOU NOT, PEE IN MY FUCKING TRASHCAN?!
Had to trim my nails cus they got too long to effectively finger myself with
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