Dual, econ, hell, shiv, aunt, puppy. 1 out of 6. T9 word needs to learn how to cuss like me.
proudest moment: just made a guy walk into a parked car with his mouth hanging open cause of the shirt im wearing.
theres bread in your mailbox im going to eat it
nevermind its newpaper
If burritos were dicks, we'd have a serious relationship problem on our hands. Just saying.
Nothing says fuck you quite like putting your used condom in someones mailbox for them to find in the morning.
Some milfs here doing some blow
Dad?
repeat this after me. period at the beach is better than baby at the beach. breathe. and: period at the beach is better than baby at the beach.
His idea of romance is drunkenly leaving me dead dandelions on my car in the middle of the night
I just remembered you had me meet your law professor while I was wasted...how'd that go?
Its bad when you wake up with a penis drawn on your face. Its worse when you find out its traced..
Definitely just found that pen in the microwave. What the fuck.
Just watched a guy get through airport security with a full bottle of captain morgan. In my head the entire airport cheered.
I'm Michael Phelps, Olympic Champion.
Are you just smoking weed? Cause that's not actually a Michael Phelps costume
Took an adderall for the first time in a few weeks. Spent 45 minutes peeling an orange TO PERFECTION.
I don't know how I managed to chip the inside of my tooth w/ a turkey and cheeto sandwich, but I think that's what happened.
I'm sorry, a turkey and WHAT sandwich?!?!
Randomize
