How come it tastes like onions whenever I go down on her?
Heard at work: Get out of my face before I cuntpunch you so hard your granddaughters have miscarriages. I love my job.
I'm moving there. Get me hired.
oh great. the only prospects for sex left for the night are douchebag in the ed hardy shirt & frodo-looking ass
fuck it... i'll be the lord of his rings
I'm gonna make this happen. You think it would be too forward to text him my room number with turn by turn directions straight to my crotch?
my shower just felt like jesus cried on me. like he shed tears just for my shower.
He left his own bachelor party to bring me weed. Then smoked with me. Tell me I'm not his favorite-ex-friends-with-benefits.
My grandpa is giving me detailed instructions on how to fight a second floor bedroom fire from a ladder on the out side. Just in case
Did you seduce any young men into coming home to your love nest of poutine and jäger bombs?
I don't think I'm allowed to have Burger King. What if i just chew for taste and not actually consume. Like a wine connoisseur for fast food
You have a long distance relationship and I have a long distance snapchat sexting buddy. If that doesn't describe who we are as people then I don't know what does.
I'm serious-it was like trying to deep-throat a minivan.
The only times we have to apologize in this friendship is when you intentionally punch me and that's only happened once so it's okay
I think sunday funday got a little out of control. There is cheese slices and BBQ sauce all over the roof and 4 empty bottles of vodka in my room.
just caught myself putting beer in the oven and pizza in the fridge. i should be a trainwreck by tonight.
That chick keeps sending eggplant emojis
Welcome to dating in the digital age. Better catch up now that you’re divorced
and eggplant is code for penis. It means she’s DTF. Go get her tiger!!!
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