the fda needs to get their shit together cause these four loko going away parties are gonna kill me
stuck in the elevator with that hot guy from the 3rd flood. Worried he can smell my spray tan and desperation
I really need to stop drunk texting. My one night stand just agreed to go roller skating.
You got the eggs out of the fridge and yelled "my chickens are beasts at making eggs" and then pegged them at the ceiling and at a couple who were making out
we played a my little pint drinking game. It was awesome.
I have better things to do with my life than be faithful.
So scratching an ex marines beard, telling him "nice hairy pussy." then when he opens his mouth to respond, I started fingering his mouth. Needless to say was a horrible idea
She wants to go furniture shopping for memorial day so we've gotta go portable
thermos full of jaeger bombs?
Affirmative
I just spent the better half of my Friday night alone, naked eating McDonalds. Not my worst start of a new year
People try and tell me I never learn me lesson, well that's a bunch of crap. I asked for Monday off for Superbowl recovery based on my experience last year.
i got to his house for our first date at the same time as his dealer, so what I'm saying is I'm in love
I just can't have sex in the car again. it's just too much
Are you done yet? I've eaten three corndogs so I'm ready 2 party.
Thanks for being my best friend so I can use you as an alibi to my family while I'm out getting some dick in my face.
I have a whole new respect for her. She chugged half a bottle of jack daniels, and then peed all over his wall. Serves him right.
Randomize
