Do you have any idea why the dryer isn't working?
Because you touch yourself at night.
Life Lesson Number 76: Masturbating into a sock is useless if there is a hole in it.
my FASA form asked what i spent the majority of my 08 earnings on, im tempted to put "booze, blow, & blunts"
I feel like Captain Blackout doesn't do her justice. Brigadier General Blackout is much better.
Her directions to the house party: "the north star will guide you, turn left. I'm wearing the potato hat"
I can see why you broke up with her now... it was like having sex with a corpse.
Confidence margaritas not a good idea. Just said foreskin in my presentation instead of foresight.
Food Network. Taking bong rips everytime we want to eat. BOBBY FLAY.
He just showed up to brunch with one shoe and only the battery from his phone.
I can't believe that 100lb chick tackled me through a flight of stairs
When I said 'i love my boyfriend' I didn't mean 'send me a picture of your penis'.
I'm discussing Magic Mike with my mom and totally get why she thinks I'm gay.
Is it disrespectful or patriotic to pole dance on an american flag pole?
WHY CANT I FIND JUST A NORMAL DISNEY LOVING MAN TO PAINT WITH ALL THE COLORS OF THE WIND WITH!!
I just found an entire bag of French fries under the seat of my car labeled "For emergency use only" drunk me is always planning ahead.
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