He has that thing where they hang SUPER low
Ewww!! Elephantitis
you called to congratulate me on being the reason you lost never have i ever
He just asked me if I wanted a ride on the "bologna pony." I never wanna have sex again...
Walking through campus with a grocery bag full of pot brownies. I'm like the santa claus of 4/20
I just saw a fat girl roll down the steps taking out three people with her, thought you should know.....
He pissed on a police station. Then expected to not be arrested. Sounds accurate.
She was to tired for head so she opted for a footjob with poor results. I dont want to talk about it
I broke a glass at the bar and ended up with blood on my forehead. I apparently kept screaming BLOOD like the little boy in that YouTube video.
The lady at the Humaine Society gave me her nephew's number because I seem like a loving and caring person.
Does she know that each time you've adopted a new cat in the past year it's because some guy stopped fucking you and you don't want to eat your feelings?
Everyone here knows me as 'that chick who will most likely steal your girlfriend'. My 99% success rate tells me this name is acceptable.
You know what I realized today? That my biggest regret of freshman year was ditching you and that foam party to have a one night stand with a skinny jean wearing vocal major.
I am concerned for your priorities but also really flattered. Flattery wins
Just saw the cop you hooked up with over break. He’s def hotter in uniform.
Tell him to stop shaving his pubes. #Notmyjam
and then you proceeded to throw soup at him for calling you a bitch...a CAN of soup...
Well, you started screaming "I dont know you GO AWAY" to your mom when she was holding your hair as you threw up in her garden.
Fursuit judi Dench just stared directly at me for 3 solid minutes telling me that cats arent dogs and i believe her because if i dont cat jason derulo might try to have sex with me
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