Last night was an abortion. I might need a publicist.
Why is there a living, breathing cow on your front porch?
you opened the fridge, pissed on the food, fell over, then threw up on yourself. thats whats all over the kitchen.
Too tired to do the dishes so I made mac and cheese in a teapot. There's still some left if you want some...
dude skip the party. it is a fucking post office here
what the hell does that mean?
nothing good but a whole lotta male and packages
I saw him on the jumbotron, its like god doesnt want me to forget his tiny penis
u got into a flexing contest with a dude in bathroom in the mirror at the club
i miss our vodka / percocet laundry days.
Just found out he cheated on me last night. But its Shark Week so I will deal with it next week.
No offense, I mean I'm sure you rocked my world and all but I don't remember.
Hooked up with a girl in the dorm laundry room tonight. And got invited to go to Vegas for free. That's how today's going.
Cool. I might be making a sickly but incredibly well dressed wine drunk appearance in a couple hours
We trekked into the state forest, laid the comforter down and he proceeded to tell me that we could stay here and stargaze, turned me around and fucked me like the lion king.
She's eating hot cheetos out of the bag with chopsticks, Matt, how is she NOT my soulmate?
Your sister just admitted to being a " much bigger bitch" than you. So you've got that going for you, which is nice.
Randomize
