I'm so high, I forgot to harvest my farmville crops....noooooooo.
Worst stoner tragedy.
found the other keg... it's in the tree
When she gives birth, I'm so playing 'Eye of the Tiger'
I mean, I know they're ugly, but I cant turn down a birthday threesome.
1. They have gold fish races every wednesday. 2. They have a redbull vodka slushie. We need to visit this place.
1. My fish will beat your fish. 2. Were getting fucked up
Do you think I can wear the dress I went to jail in with the shoes I went to prom in to the wedding tonight?
For the amount of money I just spent on my dogs toe, I could have fucked the entire B squad at a low end strip club.
Plus, I've always wanted to drive in rush hour with a huge cock drawn on my hood
Bored at work. googling vodka waffles.
I'm fucking a man old enough to be my father who is also dating my boss. What have you done with your life?
I tried to face swap with Chuck Norris. His face was too powerful... it broke my snap chat.
I better get weekly incoherent text messages or I will assume something is wrong.
I just found three upside down bottles of grapejuice in a triangle around the air freshener above my toilet... I guess it was one of those nights
You know you're drunk when you have to be picked up out of a bathtub.
There. There is gum on my butt cheek IT IS NOT MINE
Randomize
