awoke with 47 plastic lawn flamingos in my bed and on surrounding floor. explanation?
you said they were your minions of evil that protected you from ferrets.
My text messages all automatically add Zs on them cause of your skank ass messages you send me
Ask politely.
Fine. Can i please come over, hang out with you, sit around a campfire, smoke tree, listen to sublime, and fuck the shit out of you?
Thats good enough.
I don't remember. I remember laying in the trunk of a car. For hours.
had to go back to that apartment this morning to get my other boot. it was tacked to the wall
nope im down the street in my car watching the front of her house. its actually less creepy than it sounds
Its going to be drunk as shit/pirate themed. Im dressing as the former.
Nobody is stopping the marines from drinking in class on veterans day. They literally brought a cooler with a bottle of whiskey and vodka on ice. And are passing out red cups to anyone interested. Staying in Vegas for college has officialy become an A+ decision
Breathalizer & tazer party did not go as casually as expected.
Wearing the 'Let's Party' thong feels weird without you...
I can say with 87% certainty that i received one of the world's five greatest blow jobs since the Coolidge administration on Saturday night.
Going to put that on my resume. "Only accidentally snapchatted my titties to all of my friends once."
I had forgotten what new underwear feels like. It's as if angels descended from heaven for the sole purpose of supporting my junk.
I punched the bar tender after he cut me off. Hopped over the bar and made my own drink. That's how I got tazed
Oh no...did you put star fish over your nipples again?
Randomize
