My face smells like last night's lay. I need a whore bath. Or a corndog.
The crowing achievement of my life is still the time I made a 3 course meal out of things I found in the dumpster.
I saved $70 from being to drunk to go out last night so I figured I could buy a new watch.
you kept yelling at her to "show me your genitals" until the bouncers told us to leave...at which point you showed them YOUR genitals...
please don't ever take me to a strip club again...
its family weekend so i'm givin my little bro a tour of everywhere ive thrown up on campus
Actually I think I might be dying right now so if I do you have to drink all my vodka
You're so demanding.
Your girlfriend is in jail- I've just never been able to use that in a sentence before. Thank you both!
He just stared into my eyes and touched himself. That isn't hooking up.
I hope after we constantly bang for 2 days straight we can agree to be friends again
Look, opening a Guinness with a steak knife and nearly cutting your finger off to make another carbomb is always a good idea.
I told him I'd clean his cock if he ever sent my GF another text message. It was a horrific time for me to miss the l key on my iPhone.
Her shirt said pass joints, not judgement. You're surprised she stole your wallet after?
The pool of urine in the trash can signifies both a regretful yet successful night.
my cockatiel has aquired a taste for beer. I should not be allowed to own exotic pets.
drunk in woodshop so don't even say "I SAWWW THIS COMING." I know you're thinking it.
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