You kept hiding marshmallows in the freezer saying "they would never think to look here"
Now that I'm 21, I feel like I'm letting North Dakota down by not being drunk everyday
May God have mercy on my new vibrator.
It just sucks seeing everyone get flowers but me...
yeah, but they die. it takes a while, but they die. just like all of these kids relationships will. tequila doesnt die. its a live in the moment thing... like a valentines day one night stand. so long run, tequila is the better gift.
I wore my underwear in the shower just in case i passed out and you had to come in and get me
Mass Text: Free blowjob to first person to bring me a nacho cheese chalupa.
Today might be the day that I legitimately throw up in my saxophone.
Get everyone into the kitchen. I need you all to witness me friend-zoning him. Just in case.
Its not personal, its just business. I'm the Donald Trump of blowjobs.
This reunion sucks. All the confident hot girls from high school are still confident and hot, and none of the fat girls with low self esteem transformed into hot girls with low self esteem.
Got back to find Sarah in her underwear eating peanut butter and watching Arrested Development with the thermostat at eighty.
My pubic hair is shaved into the shape of mistletoe.
I hope that's a joke and if not I need a snap of it
Do you know that you can buy Cialis in Mexico? Best. Honeymoon. Ever.
It's acceptable to bring him back to my parents house and fuck on the couch right??
I think it's a bit on the nose for the Uber driver to play stairway to heaven while driving like A psycho.
Randomize
