it's like your virginity...sometimes you have to pretend like it's still there
I knew as soon as I saw that pole that I was going to wake up the next morning with bruises.
i DID try to find you last night. i asked where you were and you texted me the letter "e" and a picture of the dark.
Just took a shot out of a used mini planter. Might die from the pesticides, but didnt want whoever took all of my shotglasses to think they won.
I would totes be making out with random people in the name of america if I was at the white house right now
Why am I the only one concerned that there's a dog in the movie theatre?
Showing up at the grocery store at 5am to have the clerk sprint to the condom cabinet waiving the keys because you told him to hurry it was an emergency
You will not judge me for my made-up holiday of wine appreciation day
He called it restless penis syndrome. I call it cheating.
I woke him up with a blow job and he started sing "oh the USAAAA. IT'S GOING TO BE S BEAUTIFUL DAYYYYY"
he's the second guy to suck on my nipple in front of my friends that i haven't made out with.
He looked at me like he knew me, and I looked at him like I had seen his penis before.
I was kind of torn between "Wow, this is awkward," and "Wow, my therapist is hung."
I've never been so excited to have my ass in so much pain.
The dicks good but it's not two trains and a bus good.
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