a slip n slide in 50degree weather was the 2nd dumbest thing i have ever done. the 1st was hitting the wooden fence i believed was supposed to "help us stop"
I don't know where I am but there are firefighters
Nothing says "This dudes gotta go" better than a boner on your back waking you @ 5 in the morning
his mom called while we were having sex and asked if we could finish in his brothers room because her ceiling fan was about to fall on her bed
She said she was an education major and you replied with "oh I'm taking a semester off too". And we never saw her again...
On the plus side this hangover is the tipping point that finally convinced my lazy ass to get some sunglasses.
No just sleep deprived. James woke me up at 7 and forced me to eat a hot pocket with him cause he " didn't want me to die".
How do I enter a double puke and rally into my calorie counter?
Idk, you were a drunk pirate that kept stealing pieces of people's costumes to keep as your booty.
That would explain all the random shit in my room...
Might as well permanently tattoo lush somewhere on my body and show it to people when I decide to drink so they won't serve me.
I apparently used the line "I'm a bouncer too so i would know if I were too drunk" then they asked me to leave.
Everything I own smells like cigarettes and victory right now. The smell is never coming out.
My mother is a bitch. She just outed me to my dad. He wants to meet you by the way...
I didn't have time to wash my hair yesterday. Ended up spraying some Febreeze on it.
Pretty sure he was in my class in like 2nd grade
I like how you know everyone I've ever fellated.
Randomize
