I don't think ill make it tonight the floor wont let me walk
the quote on the bathroom wall was "stop reading this and focus on peeing" and i realized i'd peed on the seat.
Immaculate conception is definitely the most boring way to conceive a child.
He's at the gym. He likes to get high and swim cause it makes him feel like a fish.
I drove to my yoga class while eating a piece of bacon. Wow. I see myself in a whole new light.
You said, "can you make out with him for a little bit, I need a break."
I can neither confirm or deny any bear related allegations right at this time.
What happened to my knees?
You ate shit in front of the homeless people. They applauded.
I ate the last cupcake. I'm sorry. It was in the refrigerator mocking me. So I ate it. And it was glorious. But I'm sorry.
Nice. The Governor's son bruised my vagina.
That's going to be the title of my memoir.
I'm just a little concerned for your well being... and your penis too I suppose.
Just don't let me get too drunk. At one point I pulled out my dick and pissed at that party. Like on the wall.
Look I'm really hungover so let's try this again. In 5 mins you're gonna call me and tell me that you're on your way with xannies, iced coffee and a back rub
Well obviously we have a ghost in the house who’s taking showers in your bathroom and doing our cocaine.
Wanna get business drunk and go play golf?
Randomize
