my boobs are a 3G dead zone. as soon as i take my phone out of my bra, it has a signal again.
I think we should see other people.
Already working on it.
You said that we had to leave the party together and proceeded to repeat the "ducks fly together" speech from The Mighty Ducks word for word. Soon the whole party was quite and started chanting quack..quack...quack..
I was going through my paperwork and I found the lifetime warranty card for my 14" dildo. I saved it. You know, just in case.
I'm making presurgery martini's. You need to be here.
He ripped off his shirt and tried to give me CPR. That damn bong.
I drove 5 hours to see her. She thanked me by getting shitfaced, inviting her boyfriend over, and making me sleep on the couch after I cooked for them and did the dishes. You're right. I'm a fucking doormat.
It's like leaving me for his wife wasn't enough. He had to give me an STD too.
Also, I want you to know, that not only am I apparently the expert on sexting. Our bishop is consulting me later. So my talents are varied.
Dude true life I died at the derby...I lost everyone I knew, went down a bourbon and mud slip and slide, lost my hat, fell off the roof of a porta potty, sprained my ankle and knee and then got arrested.
This time tomorrow I'll be fingering you
Oh shit a waiter was leaning over me when i opened that and i felt him pause
Phil and I agree that the level of sand in your vagina rivals that of many of the earth's largest deserts
Drunk me just want to text sober me for saving that half rack of ribs I loves you
This is the worst drive ever. Im hungry, hungover, i gotta shit so bad, and the only radio station im getting clearly is playing alvin and the chipmunks christmas songs
i woke up fully clothed with teenage dream on repeat. something is wrong with me
Randomize
