can someone explain to me why i woke up under a twister sheet
She refers to my dick as princess Sarah... oddly I'm okay with that.
I sat down with you and helped you write your will last night. I was THAT convinced that you weren't waking up.
I took a shit in your bathtub. Nothings off limits
i secretly love the power trip of being their RA & busting these idiots for everything i did as a freshman
You were fucking on a porch at a party, not much privacy should be expected
Leaving the phone at home last night was the best decision I ever made.... Though I still managed to text her and now I have 2 phones...
the coastal evacuation route ends at my vagina so you can just skip the bullshit and come over
He broke the bed, AND shit in the closet. What a way to lose his virginity. What a night.
This chick had a condom box organized by size with dividers that glowed in the dark.
I need a good cry or an orgasm and neither of them are gonna happen to me and i'm so frustrated
I've needed to start drinking protein shakes to keep up with her. It's like my dick just started doing crossfit.
He's driving 2 hours to visit me and he's bringing weed. I love him so much.
Dude, I got drunk and sexted his little sister by accident
Going to the eye doctors drunk makes you feel like your doing a sobriety test! They have to know..
Randomize
