Just threw up in nordstroms while shopping for moms bday with dad. He distracted workers for me. No more tequila
I feel wrong giving my mom a cash gift full of dirty stripper money.
Your job is getting in the way of our day drinking. Shots on the hour are not as cool alone.
And I'm not sure if that's how you pluralize penis. Never planned on needing to know that in my life.
Hurry up. Some creepy guy with a "God is vengeful" flyer is asking where I wanna go most today. I think he's going to chop me into pieces.
I got a message from the hook up gods today that it's time to move on. It came in the form of me being shoved in a closet naked and stuck in there for 30 min well he watched boy meets world with his brother.
Can I borrow you for, like, thirty minutes so you can lay on one boob and rub the other until I fall asleep?
my mom said i came home and fell asleep on the floor. like right in front of her.
From what I heard you ordered him to lick your balls. Unless you've kept a huge secret I understand his confusion.
I wanna snuggle with you as we feed each other chipotle burrito bowls and that's just where I'm at right now
fuck you
also please return my underwear, they were one of my favourite pairs xo
He told me he was cooking me a special dinner tonight. His "five star meal" was popcorn in champagne glasses, and chic fil a sauce in jello shot containers to dip the popcorn in. He still tries to convince me he doesn't smoke weed anymore.
I’m going to fail his daughter so she stays in my class and I can keep fucking him. BEST. ORGASMS. EVER.
Then you can teach the kid to be a home wrecker
I need like a billion tiny bottles of alcohol to put in the patron pinatas
You can help me! We'll make an occasion of it. Have some rum, make some smores, condemn the email system to the pits of hell...
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